He asked me.
I’d only been awake for about half an hour, most of it spent not moving from where I slept. I spend the majority of my day within five feet of that spot. Every.single.day. I wake up with no real mission. I have work. I have school. Both are online. I have friends—also online. I have a car, but no place I need to be. I really have no reason to be anywhere at all.
So anyway, he asked me when I’ll be happy again, because lately, I’ve been a bit of a wet blanket to be around (my words, not his). My self-esteem is…not at the highest point right now—as it never is when I feel like I lack a purpose. Should I tell him what I think will help? I want him to emotionally feed me with compliments and praise. I know this doesn’t actually help long term, but it’s something to get me through the day. Like a little painkiller during a migraine. But tbh, I’m not doing anything admirable right now. And he’s not the type to entertain a praise kink, especially the praise kink of someone being utterly unimpressive. Like I said, my life’s happening within a five-foot radius.
Sometimes, I go to the kitchen, And life happens within a twelve-foot radius.
I think about taking some photos—maybe posting them, hoping to feel beautiful. Hoping someone will say I look beautiful. If I’m not doing anything else, maybe I can at least be pretty. Like a bouquet of flowers. Is a bouquet necessary? Not really. But people like them anyway.
I think about doing something less vain like volunteering, maybe offering free tutoring through a nonprofit. But I’m not exactly a role model these days. I haven’t done much lately that feels worth looking up to. I have done a lot of quitting, though. Quit a lot of big things over the past few years. Most of them are too personal to share, and I’m not in a place where I could handle the judgment that might follow. I don’t mind getting my Eeyore on and talking about how “meh” everything feels—but the private stuff? That’s mine.
I don’t really want to be where I am right now. So how could I be happy here? I need my friends. I left behind a life, and I feel kind of stupid for that. I’m sad. I’m lonely. I don’t feel happy.
Maybe I’ll feel happy again when I’m not waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe I’ll feel happy again when I’m part of a community that makes sense to me. But not right now. Not when I feel so in the way and like nothing is really mine, and I belong nowhere.
I know they say happy girls are the prettiest, and I said I wanted to be a flower—but maybe I’m a succulent instead.
I think I could be okay with that.
Just kidding—I do want to be flower pretty, haha. I want to be really pretty and really happy and really smart.
Right now…I just feel old, unsuccessful, and kind of fucking stupid.
<3 hs